Prologue
Those who read my recent Pentrace article, “Starting A Vintage Pen Collection: A User’s Approach were startled to learn that I own the only surviving example of a Beats All fountain pen. Based on certified e-mail, no fewer than six of you demanded to know the true and accurate Beats All story. Well, there are thousands of fountain pen stories begging to be told, but none more tragicomical or comitragical than this one. Read on if you dare.

The Beats All Story: A Cautionary Tale
A sleepy, midsize town somewhere in the Midwest or South in the late 1930s. Modesty and good taste dictate that the exact geographical location remain confidential.

Ziggy Renfrew is manning the counter, near the cash register, of his Uncle Hardy’s store, a combination five and dime, pharmacy, and general store, optimistically named Hardy’s Emporium. It is 12:50 PM and business is slow, which is usual. Uncle Hardy is across the street at Baxter’s Saloon finishing his 15 cent lunch and washing it down with his fourth mug of beer, which is also usual. Ziggy is talking to the only person in the store, Warner Pensfill, a traveling salesman with extraordinary charm and an extensive line of off-brand merchandise “sure to amuse and delight your patrons.”

“Probably would,” muttered Ziggy, “if we had any.”

None too steady on his feet, Hardy exits Baxter’s at 12:58, takes two steps into the street, and is struck down by Minnie Thatcher’s Ford automobile, traveling at the alarming speed of 14 miles an hour. It was fast enough for Hardy though, who leaves his feet momentarily, bounces once, and lands face up in the street.

There is some irony here. It seems that Minnie, 84, is Hardy’s maternal aunt and nobody in town knew that she owned a car, let alone that she could drive one. Well, she could and she did. As the town residents were heard to say, “This is best left for the authorities to sort out.”

Hearing the commotion, Ziggy and Warner dash into the street to help poor Hardy and get to him just in time to hear his last words, repeated twice “Now don’t that just beat all. Don’t that just beat all.”

Well, dear reader, you are a witness to fountain pen history. Hardy never married, so Ziggy inherited the store. To honor his fallen uncle, Ziggy renamed the store Hardy’s Beats All Emporium. Warner Pensfill, never one to miss an opportunity to “move a little merchandise” suggested that Ziggy commemorate the “new grand opening” with a gift to the first 100 patrons—you guessed it, a Beats All fountain pen. Ziggy purchased the pens from Warner at a deep discount because all Warner had to do was order 100 clips imprinted with the Beats All logo and have those clips slapped onto 100 generic pens.

”Bound for anybody who wants his store name on a pen, thank you very much,” said Warner. Warner Pensfill always had a way with words.

Scholars note that all 100 Beats All pens were lost to the cruelty of time, unceremoniously misplaced or tossed out with the trash. That is until recently, when one turned up in hands of a none-to-prosperous Maryland antique dealer who sold the pen to me. Apparently, it is the only known example.

It’s the truth, even if it never happened.

Epilogue
There are those among us who believe too much information is never enough. To partially satisfy that craving and pacify the merely curious, here is what I know about the accident and the fate of the survivors.

Hardy’s death was ruled accidental. It seems Hardy was often "in his cups" and was known for bumping into and bouncing off of both stationary and movable objects all over town, as if compelled by some magnetic force. Something to do with the laws of natural attraction, bodies in motion, or, perhaps, old Hardy was just an unpredictable gravitational anomaly. It was no surprise to anyone that he was attracted to the front of Minnie’s Ford to be bounced one last time. The undertaker, Simon Spenser, found "no fewer than fifty iridescent and technicolor bruises" on Hardy’s body, many no more than a couple of days old. "New bruises on top of old bruises, bruises from forelock to shinbone, elbow to kneecap and everywhere in between, " Simon told the regulars at Baxter’s.

Minnie continued to drive until she was 97, without a single further mishap.

Warner Pensfill, who could talk just about anybody into just about anything, fell afoul of his gift. He talked a married woman into a liaison and woke up to find her husband standing next to the bed with a loaded Colt revolver, a 44-40 they say. For once, Warner was speechless. "Crime of passion" the newspapers reported. The husband got off. Some say this happened in Peoria, but I have my doubts.

The Beats All Emporium survived until the beginning of the war and then failed. The stock was sold off and some remaining merchandise went back to the distributors. Ziggy worked on Minnie’s tiny farm and, eventually, inherited it as well. He refused to ride in or drive Minnie’s Ford.